The Indispensable Field Guide on Hobbits
by Aria Breuer
Summary: Right now, there are perhaps a dozen guides on elves and men. Dwarf guides come in a rarity and a guide on hobbits is rarer still. This guide, written in a certain way, may help writers understand hobbits better, as well as how to write them in a better way than what has been told.
1. Introduction

**The Indispensable Field Guide on Hobbits**

**Researched, Observed, and Collected  
By: Aria Breuer**

**Disclaimers:** All material from _The Lord of the Rings_, _The Hobbit_, and other works belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. Any and all material (fanfiction stories) mentioned throughout this guide belongs to those authors of those particular works. All material not related or from _The Lord of the Rings_ and other works by J.R.R. Tolkien belong to their respected owners. All original material (any stories, characters, etc. mentioned or said) belongs to the author of this fanfiction field guide.

**Full Summary:** Right now, there are perhaps a dozen guides on elves and men. Dwarf guides come in a rarity and a guide on hobbits is rarer still. This guide, written in a certain way, may help writers understand hobbits better, as well as how to write them in a better way than what has been told.

* * *

So I began this story after my tough semester a year ago. This story was inspired by a couple of guides by Nerdy Nell, Fantasystardreamer7, and nerdydarkcupcake. References from _Miss Dora Baggins' Book of Manners_, by dreamflower2, is also mentioned. Each guide is different and yet each guide helped me figure out how this particular story, if you want to call it that, came around.

Please note, because I'm only going to say this once: when you review, please inform me what you would like to be told in the guide. This could be anything, as long as it revolves around hobbits and only hobbits. No interfering elves at this time; they're too big of a hassle and they throw me off (no offense to Legolas Thranduilion in any manner).

* * *

**Introduction**

It's true. From what the summary says, at least, there have been guides on Elves and I have seen a guide on Men. Dwarves… I can't be sure if there is a guide for them, other than what J.R.R. Tolkien wrote in the Appendices of _The Lord of the Rings_. This guide happens to be different, as I think this is the first guide on Hobbits. With that said…

"Wait Aria. We're going to tell this as a guide?" asked Frodo, right behind me.

"Frodo, all guides act the same way. Now, let me narrate this in the manner it's given," I said, already peeved from a long day of doing… well, we don't need to get into it.

"Don't need to get into it? What have you done all day that makes you tired?" asked Frodo.

"Like I said, we don't need to discuss it," I said, ending the discussion.

"Well, why should we make this guide like the others? That's boring, Aria," said Frodo.

"Would you like to narrate it?" I asked, clearly wondering if I had thrown him off.

"Me? I'd much rather prefer sitting home at Bag End, by the fireplace…"

I stopped him there. "We don't need to get mushy, Frodo. Just because I was your fan, doesn't mean we should discuss it."

"You are still my fan, right?" asked Frodo, curious.

"That's not up to discussion. Let's get to the guide…"

"Not part of the discussion? You have turned cold," said Frodo, sour.

We weren't alone, as certain visitors entered the room.

"Why are you still narrating?" asked Frodo.

"Hallo Mr. Frodo. Is everything all right?" asked Sam, concerned as always.

"Well _Aria_ here keeps telling the tale wrong. Guides shouldn't be something interactive, at least most of them aren't on the certain site you're on. No offense," said Frodo.

"None taken, I hope, except the interactive part because we are interacting now," I said. "So, when are we getting into the guide?"

"You're writing a guide? I hope you weren't leaving us out," said Pippin, folding his arms.

"No, trust me. This guide involves you, all four of you and maybe other hobbits, too," I said.

"Then someone should narrate it," said Merry.

"People have already done that," I said, worn out.

"Narrating while discussing things?" asked Pippin.

"Not often," I answered, hoping they would understand what I meant. "But it isn't a bad idea."

"Who's the narrator then?" asked Merry, having not heard a word I said.

"Merry," I said, serious.

"Merry, you can't expect one of us to be the narrator," said Frodo.

"Why don't you be the narrator?" asked Merry. "Come on, cousin. Surely a hobbit in your nature can pour through a guide no problem."

"Why don't you all be the narrator and end the discussion there," I said, fed up.

"Oh, I like her plan," said Merry.

"But what should we talk about?" asked Frodo.

"Shire herbs and plants," said Merry, giving an idea.

"Thains and Masters of Buckland in the past," said Pippin, giving another idea.

"Mayors of the Shire," said Sam, piping up a few moments later.

Frodo turned to me, as I held my hand to my forehead. "Genealogies of the Shirefolk? What are you thinking?"

"We have to include first what writers have been doing wrong, before we can set them right. It's the only way that sounds fair," I said, already having an idea in mind.

"Well, we'll help you in any way we can, Aria," said Frodo.

I heaved a sigh. "This is going to be nuts."

Frodo grinned. "It already is mad. You'll get something started."

Exhaling again, I started typing out the first words to the first chapter of the guide. The hobbits seemed to be in the mood to talk, while at times wondering what food I had in the kitchen and where they could puff their pipes. Frodo, on the other hand, became very curious on what I was writing. For all I knew, this guide couldn't have a lot of chapters. Still, who knew where this guide would lead, but it certainly meant something important was being said.

As the saying goes: the first written words are always the hardest to write.


	2. Chapter 1: Breaking Assumptions, Part 1

For those wondering which stories I was inspired by, here they are: _A Sindarin Guide and a Ton of Insanity_ by Fantasystardreamer7, _Lord of the Rings Fanfiction Guide_ by nerdydarkcupcake, and _A Practical Guide for the Courtship of Elves, by Beren son of Barahir _by Nerdy Nell.

* * *

**Chapter One:**

**Breaking Assumptions, Part 1  
**

Frodo stopped me after a few paragraphs.

"Eh! You're doing it again, Aria!" complained Frodo. "Do you not know how to write a guide properly?"

"Excuse me, who's the one writing this guide? Who's the one that has been writing stories with you as the lead character?" I asked, testy. "If it weren't for my assistance, you would still have stories that didn't…"

"There! You _do_ still care for me… of course you're my fan," said Frodo, recovering.

"Maybe it's still there," I said, amazed at even myself.

"All right, can we move on from your drama?" asked Pippin, clearly talking about Frodo and me.

"So, what are we doing first?" asked Merry, quite curious.

"I told you, didn't I? We have to show writers what they're doing wrong first. Clearly, that'll mean getting into those typical assumption pitfalls about hobbits," I said, explaining the current situation.

"And what have you learned?" asked Frodo, even though I felt sure he already knew the answer.

"The typical. Slash, gender-swapping (which is weird, by the way)…"

"We get that from most fanfiction stories, depending on the insult," said Frodo.

"Legolas," said Pippin, out of the blue. I forgot that Pippin was a couple of years older than me, yet he still had his impulsive moments. Of course, who doesn't when you're in your tweens?

Frustrated, I said, "No mention of Legolas here. I haven't bothered looking at his section, due to how many stories have tortured him in the past and present."

"I wondered whatever happened to him," said Frodo. I'm sure he knew… then again, maybe I didn't know.

"Don't worry, Mr. Frodo. I'm sure Legolas is with Gimli. They said something about bowling, that they were going to outdo each other," said Sam. Bowling, really? Those two… it never gets old between Legolas and Gimli, but that's off-topic, just like this conversation…

"Can we just get back on-topic?" I fumed. When I saw the look on Frodo's face, I quickly recovered with a gentle "Please?"

"Fine, but what were those assumptions writers fall into, concerning us hobbits?" asked Frodo, almost curious.

"Oh. Well, for starters, there's been a bad misled that hobbits are creatures." At that, all four hobbits talked at once. There were complaints here and there. The only way I could stop them was when I said, aloud, "But I don't think that way of you or your kin!" When silence was in the room, I managed to say, "I know you're just as human as any Race of Man."

"Why do you say it that way?" asked Frodo. "We just call the race Men or Man, not altogether."

"An old habit I picked up. Besides, it was the only way I could differentiate between the races," I admitted, feeling some guilt. I instead spoke, "As for hobbits, I know most people assume that, due to your height, they think you need to be taken care of." I regretted saying the next part, "Other people think you four are adorable and need to be hugged all the time." I was surprised the hobbits took it as a compliment, Pippin most of all, while I cringed at the thought. "Then there are some people who think you need to mind your height and not have anything to do with you."

"People are strange, Aria," said Frodo. "Of course, everyone is entitled to their opinion."

"Now about that slash…"

"Sam, do we really need to discuss it?" asked Frodo.

"Or Mpreg." My mind cringed at the very thought.

"Even so Aria, those are more in general. If people knew what we really thought of all that stuff, horrid or no… mostly horrid, then maybe they would understand us better," said Frodo.

"Well, Pippin and I are friends and cousins. We would never commit to slash. As Aria said, it goes against nature," said Merry.

"Mr. Merry's right. How else could I wed Rosie if she thought I was doing something vulgar? It don't feel right," said Sam. "I'm sure Mr. Frodo agrees."

"I don't like slash either. Of course, there is more to worry about." Frodo added, "I mean – yes, people assume that because we're hobbits, they think we should be loved, but there's more to being a hobbit than stating the obvious." He then went into further explanation, "When we fought in the Battle of Bywater, we proved as a race that we can stand together in troublesome times."

"The Scouring of the Shire. I remember only briefly that chapter, and how you, Frodo, tried to stop the hobbits from killing Saruman and even attempting to free Gríma Wormtongue from Saruman's clutches. That part I remember well," I said.

"It just would be nice to see us hobbits capable of fighting our own wars, without assistance from other races," said Frodo, serious.

Then a thought crossed my mind. "I do remember fighting as Gimli in the game 'The Battle for Middle-earth'. It was so funny how Gimli was able to knock so many goblins and orcs with one jump blow."

"Can we get back on topic?" asked Frodo, as I chuckled.

"Well, what about us, Cousin Frodo?" asked Merry. "I mean, between the four of us, people have these assumptions about us, too. Thanks to the films, Pippin and I are treated as aimless wanderers, only serving as comic relief."

"Yeah. They did the same to Gimli, but that was worse," I said. "But it was pretty funny."

"So, you liked what they did to us?" asked Pippin, sort of enjoying the humor.

"Pippin," said Merry, cutting Pippin off. He then told us, "The point is we have people who say and assume things about us that aren't true. Pippin and I… we conspired when Bilbo disappeared, learning what we could about Frodo's quest and the One Ring. Sam, being the chief conspirator, helped us."

"Beggin' your pardon, sir, but I often hear good things about me, whether the films or the books themselves," said Sam.

"Even the part where you nearly stole Frodo's spotlight," I chimed in. "In the books, but also the films. I mean, no offense to Professor Tolkien, but you did take over a small chunk of the Cirith Ungol chapter." I added, "Plus, thanks to the films, you and Gollum did take the spotlight from Frodo further with your arguments, and then that one scene that made Frodo look bad when he told you to 'go home'. That wasn't even in the books." I added further, "Then Arwen took the spotlight from Frodo and Glorfindel during the Nazgul scene, and Arwen doesn't show up in the books much."

Offended, Sam said, "Now Miss Aria, that may be all well and true, but the hero who saved Middle-earth is Mr. Frodo Baggins. I had a small part to play."

Frodo inquired, "Oh Sam, your part to play in the War of the Ring was just as great. You slain Shelob and several orcs, told me the truth of Gollum's villainy as I pitied him, saved my life on more than one occasion. You are deserving of the title hero as much as I am."

"Well, I have something to say. People should give me credit for killing that Nazgul, since I was the one that made him mortal. No ordinary blade could have stopped the Witch-king, but my blade was Westernesse. And it's all thanks to Tom Bombadil for finding those daggers in the Barrow-downs. Shame what the movie-goers miss," said Merry.

"That's true, Merry, and just as true if all four of us hobbits were allowed to sing in the films," said Pippin.

"Three of us did, Pippin," said Frodo.

There was a pause in the conversation. It seemed the discussion had ended, but the hobbits were too eager to relieve the past.

"We're all fighters. We all have something worth fighting for," said Frodo.

"But you didn't fight. Did you, cousin? Most people would consider you not a typical hobbit," said Merry.

"Mr. Merry, I'm sure that's not true. Frodo could face down a hundred orcs. After all, Miss Aria is the one who wanted to see him fight," said Sam, giving encouragement.

"That's not how I handle things, Aria," said Frodo, "Especially when it comes to fights. I am brave. I just show it differently than most heroes."

"Yes, you are unique for a hobbit, Frodo," I said. "More unique than I thought. You keep surprising me, almost around every turn."

"Almost?" asked Frodo, interested. "That's strange, coming from you."

"Well, you are," I said. "You were brave when you saved your friends from those barrow-wights, by calling Tom Bombadil to your aide."

"You haven't read very far in the books, have you Aria?" asked Frodo.

"I just got to Bree again. I've read the books before," I said, countering my defense.

"I was brave at Minas Tirith. I helped Gandalf and Beregond during the War of the Ring. Actually, it was Beregond who told me about Denethor's doings," said Pippin.

"Yes, Pippin, you were brave," said Merry.

"I guess that proves hobbits are capable of fighting in wars, proving that height doesn't matter but will does," I said, closing the discussion. "You're all brave and proved that many times during the War of the Ring. That's something that shouldn't be overlooked. I mean, if it weren't for Merry and Pippin's courage, the Shirefolk wouldn't have roused during the Scouring."

"You keep going on about the Battle at Bywater," said Frodo.

"I'm fascinated and a bit obsessed with the chapter," I said.

"A bit," said Frodo, unconvinced.

"Well, what about Frodo? Sure, Sam, myself, and Pippin fought in battles. Frodo, so far, hasn't said much about his part in the War of the Ring," said Merry.

"My focus was getting the One Ring destroyed. I didn't have time to focus on battles," said Frodo. "Still, if I had a chance for another adventure, I might take it, but that's if I was healed fully."

"Right, I forgot that part," I said, saddened to hear the news.

"They really messed with Faramir in the films," said Merry.

"That's off-topic, Merry," I said.

"Well, we can't just focus on the four of us. I thought this guide was on hobbits in general," said Merry.

"And it is," I said. "So, who's narrating first?"

"What shall we discuss first?" asked Pippin, curious and concerned.

The hobbits had a rousing debate over who would do what. On top of that discussion, another debate was on which topic they should start first. The assumptions were pretty much winded, so there wasn't any need to focus on them any longer. Now, the only question was where to start first.

It's always tough to make a swift decision, but where to begin remained the big question.

* * *

**For information on Frodo Baggins, Samwise "Sam" Gamgee, Meriadoc "Merry" Brandybuck, and Peregrin "Pippin" Took, feel free to look them up on websites such as Tolkien Gateway. Or, if you feel daring, read the original books in _The Lord of the Rings_ trilogy. These resources are a good way of finding out more about the hobbits in the book-base. Turns out, they really are as brave as they say they are.**


	3. Chapter 2: Breaking Assumptions, Part 2

Here's a guide more specified to Men, Elves, Maia, and writing in general: _Everything You Wanted To Know About LotR _by AzureSky23. Oh, and one more thing, if I refer and mention a bad fanfiction and you know it's yours, then I'm sorry. This fanfiction guide is meant to catch some of the common to rare occurrences or things I notice about the hobbits.

* * *

**Chapter Two:**

**Breaking Assumptions, Part 2**

"Ah, another beautiful morning at home. Don't you think?" I asked, turning around only to see the hobbits tallying each other on who had the most fans. "Never mind."

"I have the most fans, by far," said Pippin.

"Only because they heard you sing in the films, Pippin," said Frodo. "I should be close to a tie with you."

"Only because the fans like you by your face," said Merry, jokingly.

"I can't help it if I have elven features, Merry," said Frodo. "Sam should be next."

"Wait, why me?" asked Sam, being modest.

"Because there are fans out there that respect you, Sam," said Frodo.

Sam huffed. "I wouldn't be sure. There are a lot of haters out there that don't care nothing for hobbits."

"Well, we have a guide, finally, that tells more about hobbits," said Merry, looking at me.

"When we get there. We're still on assumptions…" I stopped when I heard the various moans coming from all four hobbits. "What? It dawned on me this morning that there are some bad assumptions I left out, concerning the four of you."

"Well, that puts Merry last on the fan list," said Frodo.

"Last with what? I have fans out there. I should be just as equal as the three of you," said Merry.

"Not by a long way, Merry," admitted Frodo. "We saw that poll chart that one time when Aria was online. Clearly, you're at the bottom of the list."

"That can't be right," said Merry, partially unconvinced.

"Can we get on with it?" I asked.

"All right. Which one of us wants to begin?" asked Frodo. So far, none of the hobbits wanted to start first, but Frodo had a feeling he would be picked first. "Of course. Why not me?"

"I don't have much on you, as far as bad assumptions go," I said.

"That's not surprising. You still having trouble figuring Frodo out," said Merry. Boy, I really wanted to slap him. "Slap him? Am I really that big of a nuisance?"

"Just let Frodo go first, Merry," I said.

"I don't want to…"

"Come on, cousin. None of us wants to go first," said Merry, giving Frodo some encouragement.

"Just like no one wanted to work with the pirate Jack Sparrow for that one story, but I got picked either way," said Frodo, mentioning a work I previously did.

"That's not how it happened," I said, in my defense. I told the four hobbits, "Look, whoever wants to go first can go first." This gave me no choice, as all four hobbits were still debating. "All right, I'll talk first. Frodo," once I had his attention, which was right away, "the only bad assumption I found, that I remembered, was people thinking of you as a snobbish rich hobbit who berates Sam. Clearly, that's been the assumption most people coin on."

Frodo nearly lunged at me, but was held back by Sam. "Of course, most people probably got that assumption from the movies. Surely, you aren't buying into this."

"No," I said. I asked, jokingly, "Why would people think that of you? You're not like that, right?"

"You caught onto Merry's antics," said Frodo.

"Well, I have a few things to say about that," said Merry. He was pulled back to his seat by Pippin.

Ignoring Merry, Frodo said, sitting down beside me, "Look, I'm sure that's what most people assume is my nature, but I'm not snobbish nor am I mean. And why would I berate Sam? He didn't do anything."

"I thought that's what you're like," I said.

Frodo rubbed my shoulders until Merry said something: "Can we move on, before you two act all lovey on us?"

I turned to Sam. Frodo still had his arm around me. "Sam, people don't like Rosie."

"That's not true. There have been people that respect my relationship with Rosie," said Sam.

"I meant that, but there are Rosie haters out there," I inquired.

"Yes, and I'm sure some would rather see that lead to a slash relationship with Mr. Frodo," said Sam, still offended.

"What about us?" asked Pippin, hinting him and Merry.

"Well, there are people that assume, thanks to the movies, that you're both clownish, idiotic, and pull pranks on people," I said. Merry and Pippin looked like they were about to laugh. "Well, it's true."

"We don't do that," said Merry and Pippin at the same time. They recovered gradually.

"I mean, Merry and I are just as serious as Gimli. We don't pull pranks and we're not idiotic. Those assumptions sound more like stereotypes," said Pippin, appalled.

"I hate stereotypes, especially when people think being fat means you're happy and being skinny means your snobbish. Those two stereotypes really get me," I said.

"I agree with Pippin…" Frodo looked at me funny, "only because people think I'm snobbish and rude to people," said Frodo, clearly hurt by the assumption of him.

"Well, there were certain things about the recent films that gave you a bad name," I said.

"That doesn't help, but thank you," said Frodo.

"Well, I don't understand why people would think that. Worse, they would think Pippin's adorable to outshine me," said Merry.

"Would a lack of attention mean anything to you? That probably explains why you won't stop yakking," I said.

Frodo said, surprised, "Aria."

Merry understood. "She has a point, cousin. I've been talking too much."

"You two rub each other off all too easily," said Frodo, looking amazed at me and Merry.

"Well, if we're done pointing fingers at each other, might we move on to the next topic of discussion?" asked Merry, hoping to change the subject.

"How's Estella and Diamond, Merry, Pippin?" I asked, teasing.

"We're in love with those two, for starters," said Merry, surprised.

"I don't think Aria was talking to just you, Merry," said Pippin.

Merry gladly went into a long, winded discussion over why he was left out the most from the movies. There were some hours when I wanted to stop Merry from talking so much. Frodo and Sam seemed in agreement with me, but Sam was keeping his thoughts to himself. Pippin wasn't afraid to tell Merry he was talking too much. Eventually, Merry did mind his place, only to say this about Legolas and Gimli:

"I feel sorry for Gimli. He has to watch all the Legolas fans chase after our friend, or give the fans directions to Legolas. He's more left out that Thorin, Fili, and Kili and they're all dead."

"Well, there have been fans that attempted on several occasions to revive Thorin, Fili, Kili, and Boromir, mostly because 'oh, they're adorable! They need to stay alive!' Puh! They mess with nature, and it's not wise to mess with nature. Always leads to bad ends. That's why Boromir's not getting any fair notion, after what I do to him in the parody 'The Three Brothers' or its sequel, but also the third and final story in the Item-Insertion Parody," I said, realizing I was just as talkative as Merry.

"Right, and if it weren't for that parody, and other stories you're doing, we would all be saner," said Frodo.

"It's better than the repetitive stories about the Grey Havens, your childhood, or the War of the Ring. Isn't it?" I asked.

"Well, your works are different. Sometimes, I rather enjoy being part of your stories and poems. It's refreshing, in a way," said Frodo, admitting. "Now, where were we?"

"Other than the typical bad assumption that people think you aren't the main hero of the story, but Sam, Aragorn, and everyone else is…" Frodo stopped me.

"Wait a minute, it seems you forgot to mention that one," said Frodo.

"I did, didn't I?" I said, remembering further.

"Yes. Why should everyone else be the star of the story? That explains why people ignore me all the time. Well, it is one large reason for it," said Frodo.

"We didn't mean to steal your spotlight. Of course, I'm ignored too for being the main reason why the Witch-king is gone," said Merry.

"People don't ignore me," said Pippin. He knew he wasn't helping. "Okay, maybe people ignore hobbits in general and focus on Elves and Men, particular Elves. They also think Gandalf is a wizard, or a Maia, so that means he has to destroy everything in one whack. And why do the Elves get all the attention."

"Because Elves are immortal and people think they're perfect. The only one who's perfect is Eru Ilúvatar and the Valar, but as Gandalf said 'even the wise cannot see all ends'. I have to say by now that that's true, and those who are good are limited in some ways," I said, adding to the conversation.

Frodo intervened. "You see what I mean. You're already ignoring me." He told his friend, "Sam, you've been quiet."

"Now Mr. Frodo, I don't mean to sound rude, but people I'm sure wouldn't ignore you if they realized all the good things about you. What you've done on the quest. You've been a big help to Middle-earth," said Sam.

"Thank you, Sam, but I'm afraid you're off by a long way," said Frodo. He complained, "You all say good things about everyone else because everyone else has deeds they accomplished."

"I haven't done much either, Frodo. So, you can count me with you," I said.

"This isn't about you, Aria," said Frodo. I felt offended by the words. He recovered gradually, "I mean, we'll discuss your solitude afterwards, all right?" He then explained, "The point is, the reason why I'm the most ignored hero, the author J.R.R. Tolkien saw me as odd for a hero and not the typical manner he expected. That's why Sam stole my spotlight for a time, why Merry and Pippin earned their titles, and everyone else earned just as much decency. Thanks to the modern era, I'm being treated alongside my uncle to the unfair horrors thrown right at us because, just that, people don't care about us, not like they used to back in the 1950s and 60s. Times have changed and they keep changing quickly, and there isn't anything we can do about it. I'm just tired of being ignored all the time." He sat down promptly, cupping his hands against his face.

Feeling pity towards him, I said, "Frodo, I understand you're upset. I had heated moments when I defended you. All the reasons were sound. But Professor Tolkien didn't have to grant you the reward of leaving Middle-earth, not after everything you went through."

Frodo looked at me. "So, you're still one of those people who thought I should stay at Middle-earth. If I had…"

"What if there was a way to save you, heal you?" I asked, considering.

"I would still be away from my uncle. I've changed too much, Aria. You have to understand that." Frodo went on, "My point is everyone got the expected journey there and back again. I'm the one who didn't. My journey was different, I'm not like my uncle at all."

"You're just as different as I am," I admitted.

"Right," said Frodo. "I'm just tired of people assuming I have no value or I'm dull. A lot of fans that used to care about me, in their fan-manner, turned to the Elves, practically abandoning me. I've lost fans in the past and even the present. There's too many Elf fans out there, too many Legolas fans. I'm surprised how much willpower Legolas has. I'm the one ignored and I'm burdened by that, but also the same story that gets constantly repeated, berating me all the time. You know, there hasn't been a guide yet on hobbits until you did something, Aria."

"It's okay to voice your opinion, Frodo. You shouldn't have to keep it in all the time," I said.

"I know. It's just hard," said Frodo.

Pippin, feeling the heated tension, said at last, "I'm going to check on Legolas, see what he's up to."

"I'll follow you. Gimli might need my assistance," said Merry, following Pippin out of the room.

"I'll stay," said Sam, turning to me and Frodo.

"You don't have to, Sam," said Frodo, kindly.

"You shouldn't be left alone, Mr. Frodo." Sam turned to me, "Same to you, Miss Aria."

"I'm used to the loneliness," I said, modestly.

"But it isn't right to be alone." Sam added, in awe, "You two are alike in many ways."

"That's why I fell for her," said Frodo, looking at me. "But not just because of that. I do like the differences we have. Makes us human in our own way."

"Hobbits being related to Men," I said.

"Aren't we all human?" asked Frodo, gently, moving a piece of hair away from my face.

Sam interrupted. "You were getting into the guide."

I turned quickly to the laptop. "Right, let's get back to it."

Frodo chuckled. "Come on. Let's eat lunch first."

"Where are you… going?" I asked.

Frodo and Sam already left the room. A few minutes passed before Frodo returned. I looked at him, alert as a deer. "You coming, Aria? We can work on the guide later."

"I'm coming," I said. I left the laptop alone and left the room.

For all I knew, the guide was going to be huge. The assumptions were finally laid out, with the exception of snow in the Shire, which Pippin gladly informed us as he ate his sandwich. I realized then, after a much heated discussion, which was short, that there was snow in the Shire in the winter. Most people would be in debate, but I had the immediate source from the four hobbits who miraculously stayed with me, even after the turmoil we went through.

The guide was only beginning. Now the question remained where to start.

* * *

**The Item-Insertion Parody stories can be found on this site, under my profile. The other story **_**Hobbits and Pirates**_**, the one Frodo mentioned, is still a work in-progress, so you won't find it on the site. They were merely poked at for fun.**

**As for the poll chart, it was found on one of the Lord of the Rings websites. I don't remember which one it was now.**


	4. Chapter 3: Distinctive Features

**Chapter Three:**

**Distinctive Features  
**

I looked over the guide so far. The assumptions were pretty much laid out. Yes, the hobbits and I talked about mainly the bad assumptions, but I wondered about the good assumptions…

"Are we done with the assumptions yet, Aria?" Frodo asked, taking a seat beside me.

"I was hoping to get into the good assumptions," I said.

"If there's one more assumption, I'll…"

"You'll what, Merry?" asked Pippin.

"Never mind. When can we get into the guide?" asked Merry.

"That depends on where to begin after the assumptions," I answered.

It had been two days since the discussion about the assumptions were given. So far, very few ideas popped into my head.

"We could discuss the features hobbits have," said Pippin, an idea sparking.

"What's there to know?" asked Merry, determined to answer. "Hobbits average a height of 3 foot 6, but can have a height between 2 to 4 feet. The only exception would be me and Pippin, since we surpass Bandobras 'Bullroarer' Took's height, which was 4 foot 5."

"We can't be sure we surpass Bullroarer's height, Merry," said Pippin.

While Merry and Pippin discussed their height and that of Bullroarer Took's height, I immediately took notes. Frodo was rather curious at what I was doing.

"You should add that hobbits have furry feet with leathery soles. It explains why most of us choose not to wear shoes," said Frodo, murmuring to me. I took what he said and wrote it down.

"Maybe I should add the pointed ears and short legs," I said. Frodo gestured that I should.

"Hoy. What are you two discussing?" asked Pippin, curious. Oh Pippin…

"I'm just helping Aria add in the features us hobbits have," said Frodo. "What do you think, Sam?"

"I rightly say that our skin color ranges from nut-brown to white. Our hair is curly and…"

"Brown," I said along with the four hobbits. Frodo looked at me in surprise.

"But white or grey when we're old," said Pippin. "Frodo, what do you think about the hair color? I'm sure you have a thing or two to say."

"Yes, a mistake the movies made. My hair is brown, not black. And if I wanted to…" Frodo stopped the moment I grabbed his arm and whispered to him: "Not here." Frodo merely said, "I would have something to say about what other mistakes were made, wouldn't I?"

"You forgot to add that hobbits can have blonde hair, but that is a rare gem. The only hobbits I know to have blonde hair are my daughters, Elanor and Goldilocks," said Sam.

"Anything else you need?" asked Merry.

"Other than you need to stop acting like a know-it-all, Merry. That's another stereotype that fanfiction writers coin on," I said.

Merry stayed quiet then. "Let me know if you need any other information from me."

"That should cover the physical features of hobbits," I said, finishing that part of the guide. "Is there anything else about hobbits I should know, as far as the 'in general' stuff goes?"

"We're mortal, for starters. As for that two-thirds age theory on hobbits, we're more intelligent and able to grow up slower than Men. It's not an offense, it's just because of the age difference. Just because we age slower doesn't make us less intelligent, as some Men are willing to believe. So age 33, a hobbit's coming-of-age, would equal that of an 18 year old Man or Woman. Of course, there are some people who haven't figured that out yet," said Frodo. I took it as an offense, but I had to agree with him at the same time.

"Anything else?" I asked.

"Yes. The oldest hobbits living were Old Took at age 130 and Bilbo Baggins, my uncle, at age 131," said Frodo. "Hobbits can live between 90 and 100 years old on average."

"Did you tell her about linguistics, Merry?" asked Pippin.

"That's something I know," said Merry.

"What about it?" I asked, curious.

"Hobbitish, the dialect of our kin," said Merry.

"Go on," said Frodo, gesturing Merry forward.

"Hobbitish is a sub-dialect of Westron, or the Common Speech that was the language of the Dunedain until it became a universal language by the Third Age," said Merry, beginning his explanation. "The original language was lost to us Hobbits. As for Hobbitish, there's some indication that the language is related to the Rohirric language. I noticed this during my time in Rohan. Hobbitish is part of the northern Mannish language from the upper vales of Anduin is where the language first began, when hobbits ran into the Éothéod and learned the tongue. The Stoors, during the Wandering Days, picked up a few Dunlendish words when they came to Eriador, which is how those in Buckland learned some of the Dunlendings language. That's all I can think of, at any rate."

"Then that should cover some, if not most, of the general features of hobbits," said Frodo.

"So, there isn't any further information?" I asked.

"No, unless you want to compare Shire-hobbits to Bree-hobbits," said Frodo.

"We can save that for another chapter," I said.

"We're done, for now? Good. I'm going to check on Legolas and Gimli," said Merry, leaving the room straight away.

"I'm going with him," said Pippin, following his cousin.

"I'll finish this chapter," I said.

"Sam, go with them. I'll meet up with you," said Frodo.

"If you're certain, Mr. Frodo," said Sam.

"It's all right. I'm done," I said.

After saving my work and shutting the laptop down, I followed Frodo and Sam out of the room. In the living room, there was Aragorn talking to Legolas and Gimli. The television blared with the movie "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" It was at the part where Donald Duck and Daffy Duck were competing in a piano contest on stage. The three weren't paying attention to the screen, but instead enjoying their conversation. Some days I regretted that almost everyone in the Fellowship of the Ring were in my house. Merry and Pippin jumped into the conversation easily. Gimli was in a ruse.

"Merry, Pippin, just the hobbits I've been meaning to see. Legolas doesn't understand how dwarves survive underground," said Gimli.

"Gimli, I was merely saying that dwarves have certain nature when it comes to mining underground. It's not something an elf would do," said Legolas.

"Then perhaps you should try it with me," said Gimli.

"If it'll prove your point, then I'll agree," said Legolas.

Miraculously, it appeared that Legolas and Gimli were getting along.

"Maybe I should return to the room and work on the guide some more," I said, but was grabbed by Frodo.

"We said we would work on it together. Come on. You need a break. You've been working too hard and not giving yourself a chance to get out more," said Frodo.

"You're one to talk," I said.

Frodo chuckled. "At least I know what's good."

After some encouragement from the others, I joined them. Much of the talk didn't involve this world, nor did it involve the typical things that occurred in this modern era. No, instead the Fellowship seemed to talk more about their homes, families, and their journey. The conversation was interesting, but my mind went elsewhere. Frodo noticed, of course, and wondered what I liked, which surprised me.

Still, the guide was only now beginning to take shape. I wondered when the hobbits and I would get back into it.

* * *

**For more information on Hobbitish or Westron, feel free to look them up on Tolkien Gateway and the Appendices of **_**The Lord of the Rings**_**. There is more about both languages there than I can explain.**


	5. Chapter 4: The Three Branches

As this story has a self-insert, I've been attempting to keep the conversations as natural as possible. It's been a difficult task, at times.

Further inspiration came from _An Insight Into The Fascinating Study of Hobbits_ by backtotheshire, which is the second guide to show up on hobbits.

* * *

**Chapter Four:**

**The Three Branches**

It's time to move onto the three kinds of hobbits from the earlier records. Those three Hobbit-kinds were the Fallohides, Stoors, and the Harfoots.

The Harfoots were most numerous, living inside holes called smials. This would become "the norm" later on in Hobbit history. The Harfoots were shorter than Stoors and Fallohides, who they looked up to as their leaders. They had browner skin, no beards, and did not wear any footwear. They liked highlands and hillsides, but were also accustomed to living in the underground longer. They were on friendly terms with the Dwarves, who traveled through the High Pass on the Great Road.

The Stoors were heavier and broader in build than other Hobbits, having large hands and feet. They most resembled Men and were friendlier to them. The Stoors were the only Hobbits to normally grow facial hair. They preferred flat lands and riversides. They knew how to use boats, fish, swim and wore boots in muddy weather. They had their own dialect of Hobbitish, due to spending some time in Dunland. There, they adopted strange words and names that they took with them to the Shire, which they retained even until the late Third Age.

The Fallohides were the least numerous. They were taller and slimmer than the Harfoots and Stoors, with some growing up to four feet or more in height. Both their skin and hair was fair, with no Fallohide ever growing a beard. Unlike the Harfoots and the Stoors, the Fallohides retained a hunting tradition, which naturally made them bolder and more inquisitive, but less gifted in farming and agriculture. They were also more open to outside influence, making them friendlier to the other races of Middle-earth, especially with the Elves. This may have led to the Fallohides being skilled in song and speech, but also lovers of trees and woodlands.

So, there you have the three distinctions of hobbit-kinds in their earlier recorded history…

"You started without me," said Frodo, entering the room. As usual, he looked over my shoulder, seeing what words I typed. Somehow, it impressed him. "You left out details here and there."

"I can't say everything. Besides, there is other resources already out there," I said.

"Well, you left out the Wandering Days," said Frodo, "when the hobbits journeyed across Eriador; when the hobbits first settled in parts of Eriador. Marcho and Blanco were the two Fallohide brothers who founded the Shire."

I nodded, while staring at the screen. "Fascinating."

Merry and Pippin blundered into the room.

Merry said, aloud, "So what did we miss? I hope it was something good."

Frodo answered, "Well, Aria was explaining the early history of our race. In other words, the three hobbit distinctions: the Harfoots, Stoors, and Fallohides."

"Oh, you should have let me talk about them. I give excellent explanations," said Merry, sitting down on a chair. I knew there was something wrong with the way he said that. "Hoy, what did I do wrong?"

"Merry, you may be good at explanations. Clearly, there are others who are just as good at explaining things," I said, in defense of everyone else. "That doesn't mean you should be the one to explain everything, since I know that isn't possible."

Merry looked sour, but recovered slightly. "Well, I'm just as good explaining the genealogies as any hobbit. Shall I give you a list of family members from the Brandybuck side, and how they relate to each other?"

I immediately regretted what I said. "No, thank you. I have enough trouble with genealogies, as it is."

"Fair enough," said Frodo, convinced. He turned to Merry, asking him, "What do you think, Merry?"

"I think we should let Pippin decide…" Pippin was held back by Merry.

"I think we've come to an understanding," said Merry, directly to me.

Pippin decided to speak again. "So, what are we doing? Just sitting around talking?"

"Unless you want to discuss the differences between Shire-hobbits and Bree-hobbits," I said.

"I'd pass, unless you add in the Bucklanders," said Merry.

"I was kidding when I said it," said Frodo. "I didn't mean to take it so literally."

"Well, we might as well get it out of the way," I said.

Frodo sighed. "All right, but let's hope this doesn't take too long."

"Why? Are you going somewhere?" I asked.

"I was hoping to meet Sam out in the garden…" Frodo paused. "I can wait." He began his explanation, "Shire-hobbits live an unadventurous lifestyle. They spend their days at the inn drinking ale, smoking pipe-weed, and farming. The Took family is most important, with the hereditary title of Thain instead of king. Pippin will understand this."

"We have Fallohide blood in us, as does Merry," said Pippin. "So, we may be more adventurous than most of the Shirefolk." He went on into an explanation. "Now Bree-hobbits, thanks to their living together with the Men, are more open to outsiders and travellers than the Shirefolk. Most live in Staddle, and they have looked down on us Shire-hobbits, due to the unadventurous nature. Although, after the War of the Ring, the Bree-hobbits came to Buckland and the Eastfarthing, but didn't travel any further. There are some Underhills in Bree, as we found out on our journey." He turned to his cousin, "Merry, you're next?"

"Oh, I am?" asked Merry, suddenly alert. "All right. Bucklanders, since we have Fallohidish blood but are from a Stoor ancestry, tend to be more adventurous than those of the Shire. We Bucklanders, due to the danger of the Old Forest, kept our doors locked tight at night, which the Shirefolk find queer. Our chief village is Bucklebury, but other villages have shown up in Buckland, that of Newbury, Crickhollow, and Standelf. The Master of Buckland is the highest title in Buckland, opposing the title of Thain. Buckland was where Frodo and myself grew up."

"Anything else?" I asked.

"None that I recall," said Merry.

"Merry, I hope you weren't planning on listing all the Brandybucks," said Frodo.

Merry grinned. "Not today, cousin." He told me, "I hope that's decent enough information for you, Aria. I shan't wonder what would happen if you did put down all the Brandybucks of Buckland."

"I didn't say I wasn't going to list them," I said.

"Well, it's always wise for hobbits to remember their genealogies," said Frodo.

"I'm not going to name who is who's cousin, once or twice removed," I said.

"But you just said…"

"Merry, if we're going to have a long, winded conversation about this that goes nowhere, then please don't wait for me," I said, tired.

"Well, I'll be," said Merry, stunned.


	6. Chapter 5: Historical Insights

**Chapter Five:**

**Historical Insights**

Time now to discuss the traits Hobbits possess. Hobbits are known to have unparalleled skill, courage, endurance, and resistance during times of great terror. They showed an easiness to adapt of various environments they visited during the Wandering Days, as well as adopting customs and languages to the people they came in contact with. In the Shire, they had a closed unadventurous lifestyle, which included farming, eating six meals a day when they found the time, drinking ale in the inns, smoking pipe-weed, socializing and talking about genealogies.

In difficult times, their hidden potentials resurfaced again and again. During the Long Winter, Hobbits showed their uncomplaining courage and pity for one another. When Gollum had the Ring, he showed a hardiness and resistance nature, helping him to not transform into a Wraith unlike the nine Mannish kings. These traits were tested and proven during the Quest for Erebor and the War of the Ring.

"What are you doing, Aria?" asked Merry, who walked into the room.

"I was just giving more explanations on Hobbits. This time, it was the traits," I said, glad to have finished jotting down the information.

"Oh, so you didn't get into our history yet?" asked Pippin, announcing himself.

"Pip, behave," said Merry.

"You're one to talk," said Pippin.

"Well, unless you two would like to give some information that hasn't been said," I said, looking at the two hobbits. They had both taken seats on chairs.

"Gladly," said Merry, starting off. "Us hobbits don't know our exact origins on how we relate to Men. Still, thanks to the Rohirrim using old words and names that sound familiar to Hobbitish, I managed to piece together some of what is known. That's where I gave you that information on Hobbitish."

"I know. Go on, please," I said, politely.

"The only thing left to say is we lost the genealogical details on our relation to Men. There isn't much left to say about it," said Merry.

"We could go into the class system of the Shire," said Pippin, changing the topic.

I perked up. "You want to discuss that?"

"Oh, why not?" said Merry.

"I can discuss the class system, if you'd like," said Pippin.

"Go right ahead," said Merry, gesturing Pippin forward.

"You see, in the Shire we have the rich hobbits and those in the working class. Frodo, Merry, and I fall under the rich caste, which means we're more of the carefree yet responsible lot. We don't have to worry about money so much, as long as we have plenty of it. We're what you'd call well-to-do," said Pippin.

"But not everyone is as carefree as you, Pippin. Yes, we're given hereditary titles and are meant to be in a more proper environment, but we're also told to do certain things, be certain some ones, and meant to look up to our peers that are also rich," said Merry. "The opposite can be said of the working class caste."

I spoke up there, defensive. "Merry, you're not about to downplay the working class, are you?"

"Right Merry, Aria's a part of the working class," said Pippin.

"Shame. She would have proven a good ally," said Merry.

"What are you two talking about in here?" asked Frodo, entering the room with Sam following. "I hope you weren't giving Sam a bad name."

"Why would we do that, cousin?" asked Merry, pretending to be innocent. He then recovered. "We know Sam is a capable sort."

"Once you saw how brave he's become," said Frodo.

"Now Mr. Frodo, being a part of the working class hobbits has its obligations." Sam then explained after he sat down on a chair. "As my Gaffer used to tell me, we're to treat those of a higher class with respect. He also told me not to treat you or Mr. Bilbo as equals, as you two were doing so well. We had to remind ourselves that we're below you." He added, "Yes, being a part of the working class means I had to behave in a certain way, talk a certain way. Working class meant that, Mr. Frodo, and there's no other reason to bash where I've come from. Knowing I was in a humbled class kept me busy, but the work was worth doing."

I sighed. "If only I could say the same, Sam, but I'm afraid we think in different ways."

"You expect too much, too high Miss Aria," said Sam. "You should be grateful with what you have, and that's a fact."

"Right then, shall we discuss the history of how pipe-weed came about?" asked Merry, determined to change the subject.

Well, Merry sure spoke a good measure about pipe-weed and its origins. Pipe-weed was first brought to Middle-earth by the Númenóreans in the Second Age. By the Third Age, it was first grown in the Shire by Tobold Hornblower of Longbottom. The Shire-hobbits, and possibly those from Bree, were the first to use pipe-weed to smoke. That's about as far as I can give details on it, but as for Merry he gave intricate detail, more so than I could. Eventually, we had to stop Merry from talking too much on pipe-weed.

"It's no wonder you've given up smoking," said Pippin.

"And you, my friend, smoke too much," said Merry.

Frodo turned to me. "Would you like to hear instead the history of how hobbits came to the Shire, and how it was founded?"

"Is this going to be a long story?" I asked, already bored from hearing too much talk of pipe-weed.

Frodo smiled. "Trust me. This should interest you."

"I'm listening," I said, perking up somewhat.

Frodo explained the histories. "Back in the earlier records, all three hobbit divisions lived in the Valley of the Anduin River, close to the Northmen. When the Third Age began, and the growing evil rose in the Mirkwood forest, the hobbits crossed the Misty Mountains, beginning the Wandering Days. Some Stoors stayed behind in the Gladden Fields, where Sméagol resided for a time. As for the hobbits travelling, they quickly took different routes heading westward until they came to the River Baraduin, or what would soon be called the Brandywine River, and the Weather Hills."

He paused to take a breath. "As they founded settlements there, the three divisions blurred. Then, as I told you earlier, the two Fallohide brothers Marcho and Blanco led a fair number of hobbits across the River Brandywine, where they founded the Shire. The villages that remained in Bree lasted well into the Third Age. For a time, the Hobbits from the Shire had sworn nominal allegiance to the last Kings of Arnor. After the Battle of Fornost, when the kingdom of Arnor was destroyed, the Hobbits chose a Thain in replace of a king."

"And first the Brandybucks held the title Thain, until the Brandybuck family moved to Buckland. Thereafter the title of Thain was given to the next family to serve as the chieftain of all hobbits," said Merry.

I already knew the answer. "And I shouldn't be surprised – or rather should – who the title of Thain came to next."

Pippin pointed to himself. Merry looked at him, appalled, "Yes, we know your family, the Tooks, took the title of Thain, while the Bucklanders took the title of Master of Buckland. The job of the Master of Buckland is to serve as leader of Buckland and to several farms in the Marish. But it was Bucca from the Marish who was the first Thain. After moving to Buckland, the Oldbuck family name was changed to Brandybuck."

"I thought it was obvious who now has the title of Thain," said Pippin.

"I see, and what exactly do Thains do, Pippin?" I asked.

"Well, from what I know of the title, Thains are in charge of the Shire Moot and Muster, but also the Hobbitry-in-Arms. There wasn't much to show for it until the Battle of Bywater, and other battles since then."

"Do you four know anything else?" I asked.

All four hobbits looked at me in confusion, only Sam shied away.

"I meant from hobbit history," I said, clarifying.

"What else would you like to know?" Frodo asked, politely.

"We could talk about Bullroarer Took," Pippin inquired.

"Again, Mr. Pippin?" asked Sam, but he recovered afterwards.

"I think that one is obvious," said Frodo, defending Sam.

"No, tell it anyway," I said in encouragement.

Frodo paused. He recomposed himself, before saying, "I think you'll tell his tale either way, Aria."

I shrugged. "I guess I will."

Pippin said, "Well, if there's anything else you need…"

"No, I think we've covered just about everything about hobbits, except for the genealogies…" I stopped myself just as the four hobbits went into great detail about their families.

It seemed obvious where we were heading next in this guide. On the one hand, the hobbits certainly did a good job, Frodo being apologetic same as Sam, confusing me on who was related to whom. Since I, in reality, wasn't going to write down who was whose cousin removed or not removed, I figured I would take on a different approach, something that had given me inspiration before.

Yes, this guide is almost complete. Next comes the tricky part: all those family relations of the four hobbits, and even some families that are outside the four main hobbit families.

* * *

**Information given about the hobbit histories and the traits hobbits have came from the Tolkien Gateway, but also in the works by J.R.R. Tolkien. For more information, go to either one.**


	7. Chapter 6: Hobbit Families

Even though this story is similar in format to Fantasystardreamer7's story _A Sindarin Guide and a Ton of Insanity_, they are two different stories. In Fantasy's story, the author is giving the lecture; whereas this story there is interaction between the author and the hobbits on the information given. Sorry for the confusion.

* * *

**Chapter Six:**

**Hobbit Families**

It had been a couple of days since I worked on the guide. Figuring out which hobbit was in what family was challenging. All the names seemed to repeat themselves… there had to be a better way to work on the genealogy…

"Aria, are you all right?" asked Frodo. He and his hobbit friends were sitting just behind me. "Look, I know you can get out of this dilemma…"

"Working on genealogies is certainly hard," I said, as mature as I could be.

"Well, what did you expect?" asked Sam. "You can't take the easy way out. That wouldn't be fair."

I thought it over for a few moments. Frodo snapped me out of my reverie, "Aria?"

"Do you want to help? All four of you?" I asked.

"Sure, unless you know where to start," said Frodo.

"What about Bullroarer Took?" asked Pippin.

"Or we could just start with the Took family in general," said Merry.

"Just tell me something about the families," I said, hoping for something more general.

"What's there to know? The Bagginses are rich, well-to-do hobbits that live mostly in Hobbiton. Bilbo and Frodo are a part of that family," said Merry.

"What about the Brandybucks?" asked Frodo.

"I think I mostly said everything there is to know about Brandybucks. All except we lock our doors and windows at night, due to the Old Forest," said Merry.

"What about the Took family?" asked Frodo, bringing the subject back.

Pippin decided to explain. "Well, the Tooks are more adventurous hobbits, since our lineage comes from the Fallohides. Bullroarer Took is a part of my family. Shall I tell his tale now?"

"Not yet. We haven't gotten to the Gamgees," said Frodo.

"Now Mr. Frodo, I don't mean to sound rude in any way…"

"Oh Sam, I assure you you're not a rude gentlehobbit," said Frodo.

"And I'll assume that what most male hobbits are called," I said.

"That's right," said Frodo, looking at me now.

"Beggin' your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it be better if…" Sam was cut off by Merry and Pippin. Both looked at him with encouragement.

"Come on, Sam. Don't be bashful," said Merry.

"Tell us," said Pippin, adding the encouragement.

"Have you seen them be this nice to Sam before, Frodo?" I asked, curious.

"Merry, not in the least. Pippin… well, he's still young in years," said Frodo.

Sam, finding no way around, went into his explanation. He told me and his fellow hobbits, "Well, for those who don't rightly know, my family, the Gamgees, have been around for a long time. The Gamgees were originally from Gamwich, which is in the Shire. Our family name has been changed to Gardener, since my replanting of the Shire." He ended, looking at me now, "There really isn't much to tell, miss."

"You did good, Sam," said Frodo.

I wanted to tell him how much I underestimated him in the past, but I didn't want to get into that discussion… "You underestimated me? Who did you think I was?" Somehow, Frodo caught me mid-sentence. "No, tell me."

"Well, I see you two have a lot to discuss. We'll leave you to it," said Merry.

Pippin stopped him. "Wait. Shouldn't we get into our family members, and other hobbits that had some part to play in their lives?"

"Such as Dora Baggins, my aunt, giving her advice over the years," said Frodo.

"Or your parents drowning in the Brandywine River. No one knows how that happened, Frodo," said Merry.

Defensive, Frodo said right back, "My father, Drogo Baggins he was, was a good hobbit. Of course, he liked food and good company, but if it weren't for his traveling to Buckland, he wouldn't have me my mother, Primula Brandybuck."

"You see? You do know something about your parents," said Pippin.

"I've known that ever since I was a child," said Frodo. "They were good hobbits, my parents, and I do hope no one disrespects them or I'll have something to say." He noticed Pippin's fidgety behavior. "Yes Pippin, you were about to discuss Bandobras Took."

"Well, Bullroarer Took as he was called was four foot five, which meant he could ride a horse instead of a pony. He fought in the Battle of Greenfields with other hobbits, many who lost their lives and weren't remembered for their deeds. Bullroarer met the goblin Golfimbul on the battlefield and took his head clean off with a club. His head flew in the air for a hundred yards and fell into a rabbit hole. That's how the game of golf was invented, at the same time the battle ended and was won." Pippin finished with, "Now I'm done."

"That was a good explanation, Pippin," said Merry.

"You know, there are other hobbits that have just as good a history as Bullroarer Took," said Frodo.

"Bullroarer was related to Bilbo and myself," said Pippin.

"And me," said Merry.

"Yes, I'm related to Bullroarer, too," said Frodo, peering over my shoulder. "I had forgotten that."

"Frodo, how could you forget your own family history? We practically learn it growing up," said Merry, stunned.

Frodo glared at him. He eventually said, changing the subject a bit, "From what I know of Bilbo's father, Bungo Baggins, is that he had a way of coining proverbs. Bilbo used to say these proverbs to me when I lived at Bag End, telling me they came from his father. Bungo built Bag End for his wife Belladonna Took."

"Yes, it's good to know what other family members are doing," said Merry.

"You're talking too much again, Merry," I said, pointing out.

Merry looked stunned again. "This time I'm not spewing too much information."

"Yes, but you were close to interrupting," I said.

"You do the same, Aria," said Frodo, accusing me.

I was nearly offended by this, but reconsidered, "Yes, you're probably right." I asked all four hobbits this time, "So, what other family members do you know?"

"Sancho Proudfoot caused mischief when he was a lad," said Frodo. "There was a short line of Chubb-Bagginses. Even the Sackville-Bagginses didn't last long, what with Lotho gone."

"Old Pimple got his end before we returned from our quest. He died due to Saruman, was it? No, it was Gríma Wormtongue. Some thought Wormtongue ate Lotho, but that seems to go too far," said Merry.

"No, we found Lotho's body inside Bag End. Good thing we buried his body," said Frodo. "About the only kind part he received from others."

"Lobelia Sackville-Baggins helped us fight the ruffians in the Battle of Bywater. After all this time, who knew she was a fighting lass," said Pippin. "She was so mean and rude to others before. I wonder what changed her."

"Being locked up in the Lockholes, of course," said Merry.

"Sam, you haven't spoken for a while," said Frodo.

"Just catching my bearings. Besides, Mr. Merry is talking too much," said Sam. He soon regretted what he said, until Merry and Pippin laughed.

Merry, after calming down some, said, "It's all right, Sam. My mouth's just chattering too much to keep up with my thoughts."

"We noticed, Merry," I said. "And quite typically, I'm the rambler." I noticed some of the family trees on the Internet, where some of the good information about all things Tolkien and Lord of the Rings were kept. "There sure are a lot of Boffins."

"Folco Boffin, my friend, comes from a long line," said Frodo. "Of course, they're my distant relatives."

"And Bolgers," I said, looking through each family line. "There isn't too many Bracegirdles…"

"Maybe we should focus on just the Brandybucks, Took, Bagginses, and Gamgees," suggested Merry.

"That sounds like a better plan," said Frodo.

Merry paused. Then he announced, "It looks like I'll be starting off with the Brandybuck line." He started off his explanation with, "Gorhendad Oldbuck was the founder of Buckland and the Brandybucks. He changed our family name to Brandybuck after leaving the Marish, in the Shire, and crossing the Brandywine River to Buckland. He was the first Master of Buckland."

He paused, and then continued, "Now, Melilot Brandybuck, a distant cousin from me and Frodo, danced the springle-ring with Everard Took at Bilbo's Farewell Party. I had forgotten she did that."

He paused again to think. "My grandfather, Rorimac Brandybuck, or Old Rory or Goldfather as he was called, took our dear Frodo under his guardianship after the deaths of his parents. Old Rory was the first to suspect Bilbo was off on an adventure, but he kindly called him a capital fellow after receiving a dozen bottles of Old Winyards wine as a present. He was Master of Buckland until his death, when my father Saradoc took over." He finished with, "That's all I have, unless anyone wants to add that Milo Burrows was given a golden inkpot and pen as a present after Bilbo's Farewell Party, since he failed to reply to letters."

"No, I think you covered the Brandybuck line quite nicely," said Frodo.

"My turn," said Pippin, storming right in. He began his explanation. "Isengrim Took the Second helped in the Shire-reform, where the Shire calendar always began every year on Sterday, which is Saturday in your modern-day calendar." Pippin looked at me as he said this. "Isengrim was the twenty-second Thain in the Shire."

Pippin paused to breathe, "Moving on. Isengar Took, being one of the Old Took's many children, was influenced by Gandalf to leave the Shire. Isengar saw the sea in his youth, or so I was told."

He paused again, knowing he was about to tell a long tale. "Lalia Took, who married Fortinbras Took, outlived her husband and became matriarch of the Great Smials in Tuckborough for twenty-two years. Her son Ferumbras had a small bachelor pad in the Great Smials until her death. Ferumbras remained a bachelor for the rest of his life, but the truth of it was he didn't marry because the women didn't want to be near Lalia." He paused to catch a breath, "Now, my eldest sister Pearl was the caretaker to Lalia the Fat, as we called her, but she was annoying of the Tooks. One morning, Pearl became too careless and Lalia flew across the steps to her death. Pearl was excluded from the accession ceremony in which Ferumbras Took would become Thain, as he was already Thain after the death of his father. Pearl was seen afterwards wearing a necklace of pearls, believed to be a Took family heirloom."

Frodo intervened for a moment, "And Pearl is believed, by some fanfiction writers, to be my love interest. I'm not going to tell if that's true or not." He turned to Pippin, "Do you have anything else to add?"

"No, I think I covered everyone in the Took line who wasn't mentioned by many," said Pippin.

Frodo nodded. He turned now to Sam, "Sam, I'm sure your family has some history."

Sam looked shy. Eventually, he spoke in explanation, "Hobson Gammidge, I reckon, was the first to use the byname Roper Gamgee. He was succeeded by his sons, who would use part of the byname as surnames, which were Andwise Roper and Hamfast Gamgee. Hamfast Gamgee is my father, usually called the Gaffer. My family has different surnames, yet thanks to Holman Greenhand we became gardeners as a profession. Now Andwise Roper, or Andy, wasn't interested in gardening, but the trading of ropes. His son Anson founded the Roper Family after his father's death."

He paused to take a breath. "Now, Halfast Gamgee or Hal, my uncle, worked for Mr. Boffin in Overhill, but often found himself hunting up in the Northfarthing. He gained a reputation when he told wild stories about the things he saw as he hunted, such as the mysterious Tree-man when he was hunting in the North Moors." He finished his explanations. "I don't have anything further to add, except that Rosie Cotton and I will have thirteen children, as Mr. Tolkien mentions. How would he know such a thing?"

"Frodo, you haven't said your family tree," announced Merry.

"I wasn't aware we were going to talk about my family. Haven't we already done this?" said Frodo, politely.

"Come now, Frodo. Surely your family has some important members," said Pippin, encouraging.

"Other than Otho Sackville-Baggins thinking he would be heir to Bag End, had Bilbo not stepped in and made me heir upon the adoption. I'm sure there isn't anything else to add," said Frodo. Seeing Merry and Pippin's nods, Frodo added out of frustration, "All right, Camellia Sackville married Longo Baggins, and the double-surname Sackville-Baggins was bestowed on their son Otho. Are you both convinced now?"

"Are you sure there isn't any further information on the Baggins line?" asked Pippin, curious.

"No, there isn't. If you want more information, go speak with Bilbo," said Frodo.

"I'm sure he would know more, because there isn't any more information on the Bagginses," I said, skimming the information on the Baggins line on the Internet.

Frodo said, convinced, "You see?"

"Couldn't we delve into other hobbit family lines now? It would be very interesting…"

Merry stopped Pippin, by whispering aloud, "I don't think that's what the Queen Bee wants, nor the King Drone." Merry was referring to me as the "Queen Bee" and Frodo, for some odd reason, as the "King Drone".

That didn't please Frodo one bit. "I think we're done for this evening."

"Besides, I didn't think we were getting into any other hobbit families," I said, remembering well Merry and Pippin's pleas on only excluding the four, more well-known hobbit family trees.

The room fell silent.

Pippin broke the silence. "I'm going to check on Legolas now."

Frodo followed Merry out of the room. "I can't believe you called me a King Drone. What did I do to deserve that title?"

"Don't ask, Frodo. You may just get what you deserve," I said aloud. I hardly noticed Frodo's glance at me.

As Frodo hung back, while Merry and Pippin left the room, Sam said, "Mr. Merry shouldn't have called you two those names. It was very wrong of him, I will say."

I sighed. "You know those two. They have some mischief in them."

"Especially when they decided to perform that conspiracy to see what I was doing. It was quite successful on their part," said Frodo, filled with regret now.

"I'm sorry I helped, Mr. Frodo, but I had to know what you were up to," said Sam.

"I know, Sam. I know," said Frodo. He sat back down, turning to me now. "What led you to underestimate me?"

"You just won't let it go," I said.

"Nor could you, but you're worse than me," said Frodo.

"I think it might be a tie," I admitted.

Sam said, breaking our reverie, "I'm going to check on Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin." He dashed out of the room before another word was said.

Frodo and I spoke long afterwards, sometimes enjoying the conversation that didn't involve the guide. I realized this was one of many hobbit guides that might now start to trend. Where the guide went to next remained lock and key, at least until someone held the key. There weren't really that many topics left to discuss; only the miscellaneous stuff that wasn't told was left to be added.

* * *

**All the information on Hobbit families, in further detail and those families who weren't mentioned, can be found on Tolkien Gateway website as well as in the Appendices in_ The Lord of the Rings_ and some mention in _The Hobbit_.  
**


	8. Chapter 7: Miscellaneous Details

Here are two more guides I found and read, and caught a detail I missed in Chapters 1 & 2: _The Abridged Guide to Girls in Middle Earth _and _The Abridged Guide to Original Female Characters_. Both guides are written by Wingtip.

* * *

**Chapter Seven:**

**Miscellaneous Details**

The guide was nearly complete. All I had left to do was add in those details I missed or felt the need to add. The hobbit families that weren't mentioned I added to the guide, making it seem more dynamic than it already was. Now what were those details I forgot? Then I remembered…

"Remembered what, Aria?" asked Frodo, curious. He was sitting at his usual spot beside me.

"Oh, just details we forgot to point out," I said, casually.

"Like what?" asked Frodo.

"Oh, I can't stand this music!" complained Merry. He asked me, "What are you listening to?"

Embarrassed, I eventually blurted out, "The Broadway version of 'The Little Mermaid'. Why?" Merry complained, in spite of Pippin calming him down. I spat, "Listen, if you don't like it, you can leave the room."

"Why did you have to pick that? Couldn't you choose something else?" asked Merry. He told Sam, surprising him, "I'm sure Sam will agree with me."

"I'd rather stay out of this," said Sam.

Feeling pity towards Merry, I stopped playing the music. "I hope this makes you feel better."

"What have you got against what Aria plays, Merry?" asked Frodo, continuing the debate.

Merry sat down, looking fed up. However, he showed some pity, "Oh, go ahead. I'll live."

"Are you sure?" I asked, confused. I still felt pity towards him.

"Yes," said Merry.

Frodo reminded me, as I started the music again. "We were going to discuss what we missed in the guide."

"What have we missed?" asked Merry.

"Well, we didn't cover everything, did we? I mean, we covered most of what we…"

"Yes Pippin. I know," said Merry.

"Well, we didn't tell about the smials, or what they are. I'm sure most people don't know what they are," I said.

"That's true," said Merry.

"Merry, could you at least let others speak," I said.

Merry sounded defensive. "You're one to talk." He added, "Look, I haven't been spilling too much information, I'm trying hard not to be a know-it-all. What more are you asking from me?" He noticed no response. "Okay, I'll try to be silent."

"Good luck," said Frodo.

Pippin decided to explain. "Smials are luxurious versions of hobbit-holes. They have many rooms and rounded walls. The well-to-do hobbits, such as me, Merry, and Frodo, live in smials. However, smials weren't very common, as most hobbits choose to live in wood, stone, or brick houses. All hobbit-holes can be found buried in hillsides, downs and banks. The poorest of hobbits lived in burrows of the primitive sort, with one window or none."

Merry paused. When no one spoke, he complimented Pippin, "Good speech."

"Yes, indeed," said Sam.

I got Sam's attention. "Sam, you brought up a while back about the Mayors of the Shire."

"Yes I did, now that I remember," said Sam.

"Maybe you can talk about them," I said, encouraging.

Sam went into explanation, after some encouragement from the other hobbits. "Well, the Mayor of the Shire is the Mayor of Michel Delving, a hobbit's official capital and chief town of the Shire. The Mayor has responsibility for attending banquets, but the position is attached to the Postmaster and First Shirriff. The position surpassed even that of Thainship, hence why the title is given as the Mayor of the Shire. Mayors are elected every seven years at Lithe, during the Free Fair on the White Downs. The Mayor of the Shire, as well as Thain and Master of Buckland, was also given the position of Counsellor of the newly-established North-kingdom by King Elessar."

"That's good music, now that I think on it," said Merry, complimenting my music choice.

"Thank you, Merry," I said. "I've been known to have good taste in music."

"Interesting," said Pippin, bored. He turned to Sam. "Is there anything else you wish to tell us?"

"I could talk about the mail system now, if you wish," said Sam. When given encouragement, which perked him up, Sam said, "We have a Messenger Service, for communicating with other hobbits, and a Quick Post for sending letters and news in the mail. Yes, the Shire does have a posting service and a way to send messengers to Shirefolk." He finished his explanation. "That's as far as I can tell you about the Mayor of the Shire and what he does, as well as the mailing and messenger service."

"You didn't tell us who were the Mayors, Sam," I said.

"Well, miss, Will Whitfoot is the only mayor known during the War of the Ring. He suffered towards its end, and Frodo took over as Deputy Mayor until his recovery. It's said by Mr. Tolkien that I was elected Mayor for seven terms with Tom Cotton acting as Deputy for a brief time," explained Sam.

"Did we miss anything else?" asked Pippin, curious.

"Other than a few misleading assumptions that I forgot for a long time," I said.

"Like what?" asked Frodo, peering over my shoulder.

"Come on. Tell us, Aria," said Merry, demanding.

"Just that people have treated hobbits as children, no matter their age," I said. At that, I could tell without looking, even though I looked, all four hobbits were appalled. "Yeah, that's one of those assumptions I don't like either."

"We're not children, Aria. Even as hobbits, we do grow up and mature," said Frodo.

"Some more than others," said Pippin. "Just like any human."

"Right," I said, taking it.

"You have to grow up sometime," said Merry.

"Well, we're not children. Hobbits can have children, but that doesn't make us all behave immature and childish," said Frodo. "That stereotype is wrong."

"No wonder most fanfiction writers get it wrong, and I've noticed there's teenagers and pre-teens writing fanfiction," I said.

"Right, as if you haven't thought of joining the quest to Mordor," said Frodo.

"I've had years to get over that thought," I said.

"See? You have grown out of some things," said Merry.

"She's still in my age group," admitted Pippin, defending me.

"But that doesn't make her wiser," said Merry.

"Can we get off of me now?" I said, hoping to get past this conversation.

"What else are we going to talk about?" asked Merry.

Frodo intervened. He asked me, "You were getting to the other assumption."

"Yes, Hobbits being treated as helpless. Now there's an assumption I'm sure you four have something to say," I said.

"We are not helpless, Aria," said Pippin.

"True. We fought in several battles and survived the Long Winter. Wherever did that assumption come in, because hobbits can defend themselves," said Frodo.

"Who knows, but people clearly underestimate hobbits," I said.

"Now the guide is done, as far as we're concerned. And our work is done," said Merry. "When can we go home?"

"Soon Merry," said Frodo.

"You're leaving?" I said, a little depressed.

"You don't need us anymore," said Merry. He got up and left the room, with Pippin following him.

Sam stood up, telling me, "Don't take it the wrong way, but you have to learn to let go. We only came to work on the guide, Miss Aria."

Frodo sighed. He turned to me. "Sam's right. Besides, you have your own life to live."

Several thoughts passed through my mind. Frodo was right, as were the other hobbits, and that was something I had to accept. The guide was pretty much done, except for one last chapter. It would be hard saying goodbye – so much so that Pippin even wondered whether we could go back to the beginning again – but the end must come to a story, even if that story was a guide filled with stores of information.

* * *

**All information can be found on the Tolkien Gateway website, as well as in **_**The Lord of the Rings**_**.**


	9. Conclusion

**Conclusion**

Now it's my turn to say this guide is complete. Many topics were discussed on hobbits in seven chapters. The assumptions took two chapters, with two forgotten but brought up again in the seventh chapter under miscellaneous details. The reason why the assumptions took two is self-explanatory, since the first chapter focused first on hobbits in general, as well as the seventh chapter, whereas the second chapter focused on our four leads. I could have gone into assumptions made on Bilbo, but I haven't crossed that feat nor took the time to look him up…

"Well, let's figure out what assumptions were given for Bilbo now," said Frodo, always sitting next to me.

"Do you know what they are?" I asked, curious.

"I don't know. Do you?" asked Frodo right back.

"Let me look it up," I said. As I made the attempt, I said in realization, "In order to go through assumptions for Bilbo, I would have to go into 'The Hobbit' fandom. This story is for 'The Lord of the Rings' fandom."

"At least you tried," said Frodo, patting me on the back.

As I was saying… this guide went into explanation on the three divisions of Hobbit kind as well as their history during the Third Age; although Hobbits had little role to play, except for the darkest moments, they're still regarded as important on my watch. Next, it was time to get a glimpse at the Hobbit families, as well as some the family members who had some history during their lives. Last, we visited the miscellaneous section for a look at the difference between smials, hobbit-houses, and burrows, as well as the position of the Mayor of the Shire. Well, I think that about covers everything…

Merry knocked on the door. "Frodo, it's time to leave, whenever you're ready."

"Wait, Frodo," I said, holding Frodo's hand.

Frodo touched my face. He looked at me with a longing expression. "I have to go, Aria. I'm sorry." He walked away, back out to the living room.

I followed Frodo. In the living room, the Fellowship, or those that remained, was in the living room packing their supplies for the road ahead. Gandalf looked perplexed.

"There he is," said Gandalf, as Frodo entered the room.

"We waited for you, Ring-bearer," said Aragorn.

"Then let's leave, while we still have time," said Frodo.

"Are you ready, Pippin?" asked Merry.

"I was born ready, Merry," said Pippin, a little too enthusiastic.

"Frodo, you could always stay," I said, grabbing Frodo by the arm.

Frodo looked at me with longing. "Let me go."

I realized then I didn't have any other choice. Saddened, but minding my place, I nodded.

Frodo chuckled as he planted a kiss on my forehead. "We'll see each other again. I'm sure of it."

"We'll we?" I asked. "It's so hard to see you leave me… again."

"Don't worry. We won't always be apart," said Frodo.

"Do you mean that?" I asked.

Frodo said, softly, "I always do."

Frodo released his hand from my grasp as he followed his friends through a white portal. The portal vanished after the last Fellowship member was through. Gandalf looked at me once, telling me: "Oh child, you may be young in years but your heart is wise. You'll see Frodo again, maybe in another life or sometime soon. That will be up to him."

"Do you think so?" I asked, confused.

Gandalf laughed merrily. "Knowing him, he wouldn't part from you for very long." He was the last Fellowship member to leave through the portal. Once he was gone, I was alone again.

I looked around, before heading back to the room I was in. "Now what am I to do?"

o-o-o

Weeks passed into months. The guide was successful on the fanfiction site. I was relieved it was receiving such good praise, yet another idea was spurring through my mind. Somehow I knew then I would need a hobbit's help once again. Just as I thought the thought, a white portal opened just behind me in the same room where the computer was. Out from the portal, right before it vanished, was a familiar figure. I was shocked.

"Frodo, you're back."

"I wonder what you need me this time." Frodo asked, opening his arms, "Aren't you going to say 'hallo'?"

"Of course. Where are my manners?" I said. I walked quickly up to Frodo and embraced him. We stood there for quite a while, not wanting to let the other go. Eventually, I did feel him release me. "I thought I would never see you again."

"You doubt too much," said Frodo.

Then he planted a kiss on my lips. In that one moment, it felt passionate yet longing. I kissed him back, now knowing that I didn't want to let him go. Somehow, I knew he felt the same as he returned the kiss with another. Eventually, we did let go but it was hard not to.

Frodo led me back to the chair, where he sat opposite of me. "Come on. You had something new in mind."

"I did, but it must have been a passing thought," I said.

"Tell me anyway what it was," said Frodo.

Somehow, I knew this would never end, Frodo leaving and returning. As I told him the idea I had in mind, about a princess and the thought of someone locked up, it turned out the idea was for a story that would soon be called _Strong Intentions_, my "Once Upon A Time" crossover story with _The Lord of the Rings_. Frodo was interested, but wary since we had no idea what this would unleash. I only hoped it was a good idea.

It turns out the idea was more successful than I realized. So the story goes on as they say, even after one story is done another comes along to surprise those of us who write. And that's the way of it.

* * *

**And with that comes the end of this guide. I know it was a little more interactive story amongst the characters and me, but there you have it.**

**I'd like to thank my fellow readers for reading, reviewing, favoriting, and following this story. It look a lot of research to make this happen, but as for the encouragement, well that's already out of the bag. Pretty much, I couldn't stand how there wasn't any guide on hobbits, but now there's two I've seen (one of those guides is mine, and the second is someone else). As I said, more guides could come from this, but there you have it.**

**Yes, and I will say this anyway, I'd like to thank the four principle hobbits – Frodo Baggins, Sam Gamgee, Merry Brandybuck, and Pippin Took – for their help with this guide. I don't know how I would have written it the way I did without their assistance.**

**Check out my profile page for more stories I have written, including the **_**Strong Intentions**_** story I'm currently working on and am in Episode III, Part 3, or Season 3 of "Once Upon A Time". Sorry for being the advertiser, but it is nice to see people reading other works after a current work is finished. That's just how most writers behave.**

**There, I said my peace. Again, thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it and learned something from it. I also hope this guide helps fellow writers realize how to better write hobbits, and get off those nasty assumptions about them.**

**Aria Breuer**


End file.
